Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also, beer. Big fan.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
