Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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