I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
