NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This house was built for laser tag.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
