She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
