you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
