I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
