There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
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