I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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