Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
