i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
