Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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