im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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