I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
