My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Girls should come with a carfax report
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
