everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
