Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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