My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
