I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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