You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Welp...herpes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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