just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
