Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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