I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
