Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I look better un-naked...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
