Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
