I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
