I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
