DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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