i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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