do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
