Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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