im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
