Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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