I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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