i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
