please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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