hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
