if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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