what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
