somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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