So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
