I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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