I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
