In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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