just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
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