forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
