my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
