Cold hands, warm shart.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
