Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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