so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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