I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
