So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
